Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Letters To My Daughters

To my daughter Ava,

I cant believe that in less than one week you will be here in my arms! I cant wait to see your face, to smell you, to look at you from top to bottom. I wonder if the 3d ultrasound was right and you will look just like your daddy :). I remember the first day I saw you on that ultrasound screen. One of two perfect little dots! You were so small...probably about the size of a grain of rice. At first we werent sure we would see your heartbeat but there it was! The doctor had me worried because it wasnt as fast as she thought it should be. We prayed so hard that in the next week your heartbeat would be just as strong as your sibling. The second we saw that there were two of you..we wanted you both and loved you both so much. The next week there you were right on track with a perfect heartbeat. The sound was amazing :). Your heartbeat was always much lower than your siblings BUT it was perfect! You had the doctor guessing boy...haha so sneaky!

I so loved watching you grow. At my ultrasound at about 12 weeks you were so calm as usual. You were laying there just playing with your hands. We got some cute pictures of you waving your hand in front of your face. We were always able to get tons of pictures of you because you were so calm. Such a beautiful profile! We had it in our mind that you were a boy so were we were so surprised when the technician pointed out that you were a girl! Instantly you were "My Ava." When we were told thats exactly what I said. I couldnt believe that God had given me a girl. I was over the moon!!! You should have seen your dad's face. He was going to be the dad to a little girl. Awesome!

Its so funny that you were the little one that we worried so much about in the beginning but soon your growth was off the charts! The doctor joked and said that you got the prime location in mommy. You started measuring so far ahead and it was super cute to see your chub on the ultrasound screen. You also picked your spot in mommy and refused to move from that spot. Such a stinker! The NST nurses call you the calm one because you are so easy to find on the monitors but you do give them a hard time because you like to rest A LOT! :)

I cant wait for you to be here. I will be a little sad not to have you in my tummy anymore but I know you are destined for big things! Mommy and Daddy worked so hard to bring you into this world so we know this is true. I cant wait to be your mommy and watch you grow. I will warn you already that I will probably drive you crazy with my worry but its just because I love you so much! Just a short time little one and you will be here. You are actually kicking me right now! :)

Loving you forever,

Your mommy

To my daughter Leah,

In just less than a week I will be holding you in my arms. You have been such a mystery this whole pregnancy that everyone cant wait to see your face! You have always loved having your face pressed right up against me so high under my heart that we could never get many pictures. But between you and me I have enjoyed having you so close to me ;).

I will never forget the first time I saw you. You were just a little dot but boy did you have a fast heartbeat! We even got to hear it which was awesome!! You had the doctor guessing you were a girl. We were so excited at the thought of having a little girl. I remember at my 12 week ultrasound that the instant the doctor put the probe on my belly you started doing flips. We joked that we were in trouble with you! You were rolling and flipping your legs and arms all around. The doctor had such trouble getting you to settle down to measure your heartbeat. I got some still pictures from our camcorder and I thought I saw you were a girl but I didnt want to get my hopes up just yet (but I did buy some girl things haha). Our doctor always would make the comment that he couldnt wait to see you when you were born because you were so particular in your spot inside mommy and had such personality! He called you the "wigglier." You always made him work for his money :).

The day we were going to find out if you were a boy or a girl I was sitting in the car talking with daddy. We were so excited. I told him that for sure there were not two girls in there. I would bet my life. But I was praying that I had one little girl. The technician couldnt get you to cooperate at first so she checked your sister. We then figured you were a boy. The second she brought the probe back to you I SAW! I was shocked that you were a little girl too. I couldnt believe that God had brought me two girls. Daddy had to sit down ;). I knew your first name but didnt quite have your middle figured out yet. Right when we got home we sat down and finalized your name. That day our house was full of pink!

We always call you our Little Leah because you are smaller than your sister but right on track. You've always had such spirit. I would sometimes worry because I wouldnt feel you moving as much as your sister but when I would get very panicked you would kick for me (after I begged). Its so funny because you have had so many different positions inside mommy. We always like to see at our appointments where you are on that day. You make the NST nurses work really hard to keep you on the monitor. You also hate having anything on you. Its funny to watch because you always feel whatever is on you first. So there will be a little movement then all of a sudden you will kick so hard at whatever it is to get it off. You have practically thrown the TV remote off you before! Your kicks are so loud during the NST's. I just laugh and say "thats my Leah."

I cant wait to inspect you and see who you take after. We know you have chubby cheeks! I wonder if you will be just as fiesty when you are here. I know you will be amazing. I want you to know that we have always wanted you and loved you. I cant wait to see who you grow up to be. I will cherish each day that Im your mom. God has truly blessed us!

Loving you forever,

Your mommy

Friday, March 26, 2010

The Story Of The Ladybug

I guess the first blog I should post is kind of a bit of background on me and the story behind the ladybug. First off my husband I and struggled with infertility for four years. I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) and I did not ovulate on my own. I was completely devastated by this diagnosis. There has never been a time in my life when I havent dreamed of being a mom. I was that little girl who always had a baby doll in her arms. We tried many different treatments but finally it seemed like the best option was injectable medications to induce ovulation with IUI (insemination). The IUI just increases the chances of conception. I was sad to think that this most intimate practice of conceiving was going to involve a doctor...a stranger. Thank God I have an amazing husband who said to me that it doesnt matter how our baby was conceived because regardless our baby was conceived in love. Oh so true!

We did finally get our first positive pregnancy test after IUI #3. We were overjoyed. Our prayers had been answered. We saw the most beautiful heartbeat when I was 5wks 5days pregnant. They say the odds of miscarriage greatly decreases once you see/hear the heartbeat so we felt so good. We were instantly in love. Our first appointment with our OB was when I was just under 10wks along. I felt like everything was going good. I was very sick! When they started the ultrasound I knew right away something was wrong. Our baby looked so perfect but so still. No heartbeat. In that moment my world stopped. How could this be happening to me...to my husband? This is not fair! Almost instantly I was bombarded with my different "options." I decided on a D&C since my body did not seem to be responding to the loss. I couldnt imagine waiting for it to happen and to be honest I was scared.

After I was really struggling. I was beyond sad and my heart ached so much. Miscarriage is awful for anyone but when you have struggled with infertility it just feels like I have to climb that HUGE mountain again. I was exhausted of the struggle. I just remember praying and asking God to send me a sign that all was ok. I was worried about the baby (even though I know the baby is gone and with Our Lord). I just needed some reassurance. One night my husband and I were coming home late and we were definitely broken souls. We walked up to our front door and right there in the middle of it was a ladybug. It was very late at night. I instantly took this as a sign. Other times when I was struggling I would pray again for that sign. Always I was reassured. Even once one landed on me and instantly I had a smile and a feeling of pure bliss.

So we jumped back on the infertility rollercoaster because ultimately we wanted to be a family. The next cycle went amazing. I had so many follicles (eggs). I knew instantly that I was pregnant again. Then at 5wks 6days we discovered we were having twins. Instantly they were my "ladybugs." And once we found out both were girls the nickname really stuck. They are both truly such a blessing! I have no doubt that God sent them to us.